Since playing FFX and becoming a proud Tidus hater, I have decided to reflect on which
video game protagonists I have enjoyed playing as and which I did not. I'm going to try and include protagonists
that were their own characters, so probably few customized characters that are meant to be you. I may expand
on this entry later.
Liked:
Disliked:
While it isn't a hard rule, I don't usually enjoy playing as grizzled "badass" men. Maybe it's because I don't find them relatable and they have become a dime a dozen (seriously can we get a new protagonist trope?). I think I also really enjoy playing as fleshed out (for a protagonist) characters as well. I enjoy experiencing the story through their eyes, not just as being a vehicle for me to insert myself into the narrative (I probably do this anyway, though). Besides the obvious pattern, I don't really know what sets a lot of these characters apart, so maybe as I playthrough more games I will try and consider it, just for funnsies.
Earlier in February, I ended up catching a cold. It was nothing extreme and I was better
within around 2 days, however it revealed to me a huge con of adulthood: there are no actual sick days.
Even though I can inform my professors that I'm sick and won't be coming in, and some will be gracious and offer
an excused absence and/or makeup work, it is not a guarantee, and even if it's okay attendance and grade wise, I still
end up missing a ton of valuable information and falling behind!
Sick days used to be relief; a time where your mom would take care of you and you could skip out on class and watch TV all
day (was Maury really better than school?). However, it is more of a burden now... there is no comfort to be found.
I am simply falling behind and am too tired to work. What a bummer!
It seems turning 18 at the start of the pandemic and having COVID-19 sickness regulations coddled me, as I was not ready for this
cold hard truth. It does seem to be premature to already have professors not being lenient about sickness related absences, but there
is not much I can do about that but complain... the show must go on...?
To preface (again) this post, I want to say this is my own experience with internalized homophobia
and my own fears of homophobia and rejection from others. I am in no way saying this is truly how people feel about me
or about other lesbians. This is a recounting of my own anxieties. TL;DR this is NOT a general statement
and shouldn't be taken as such.
Now that I have said that, I want to talk about a lurking feeling that I get whenever I make friends with women I presume
to be straight. While I have no issue getting along with these people at face value, my own anxieties lurk behind every
interaction I have with them. Whenever the topic of men comes up, I always end up acting blasé and jaded. It is not that
I don't want to hear about their boy problems, I love a good piece of drama, it is more that it makes me fear more that they
are not in a similar position that I am in (straight passing lesbian). This being revealed often makes me worried about their
views on gay women, especially unknowingly being friends with one. Logically, I don't think most people are homophobic or care, however
I can't shake this feeling that if they were to know, that it would change their perception of me, even in a mild way.
These fears often go hand in hand with feeling like I must hide my sexual identity from straight women in order to make sure they
are comfortable and not intimidated by me. I don't want them to feel like they can't speak to me or that I am a threat to them. Logically, this issue
would be their own if they were to believe it (they have no reason to have these thoughts outside of me being a lesbian) but I am still worried
about it nonetheless. I think it goes back to knowing how straight women I knew in HS would talk about gay women; they would constantly dicuss
how they didn't want to be hit on by them, that they were hitting on them, or that they might make a move on them. Remembering this, I
almost feel like if they were to know, they would think of me as a threat that has infiltrated their spaces with ill intentions. I'm unsure how to
deal with these thoughts, as they are ultimately irrational(?) in most cases.
Just to preface, I think I'm going to use this area for my shorter thoughts that are too short
for a full journal entry but too long for my microblog. I think it is going to be my diary middle child. Anyway,
this entry will probably be some thoughts from today I wanted to get down or just dump about. To start, I ended
up cracking my nail pretty badly. I can never seem to break them at the top of the nail and my breaks almost
always occur into the bed so I can't peel it off! Ouch! I don't hear it much anymore, however "breaking a nail"
used to be the ultimate way to make fun of women for being dramatic about pain. I never understood this because
MAN! IT HURTS! I think everyone who has said it should be subjected to their nail being broken in and inconvenient
area. It was never dramatic!
On another note, I'm ready for winter to be over. While it's technically almost done (Feb and Nov are both very
Thursday months), I'm still attached to my heatpad, creaky, and getting really cold hands when I type. I really just need it to
be warm again! Since I head to school early and stay late half the week, I also get submerged into the coldest hours of the day...
I need to be mauled by mosquitos again to remember my place (summer isn't all that, either).
Finally, I have come down with another bout of digging through holygrail/uses/faves pages. Lately it's mostly been about the resources
people use for coding, but I still think it scratches the same rampant consumerism itch. I just really like learning about new things to
want! I want to want! I want to desire! I have a hunger deep within me!
Luckily this time it's mostly for free things so I don't have to fight off the impulse to spend money as well, but I think this inclination
is like, a demon that resides within me. Another thing I'm lucky about is hating lifstyle bloggers/vloggers because this is the exact type
of thing they do and they aren't as good faith about it, so thank god they make my eye twitch!